Dear baby Jesus,

Why do celebrities name their kids stupid shit like Pilot Inspektor and Zuma Nesta Rock?

xoxo,
Kristin

Dear Kristin,

Oh, I know. Believe me… I know. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support Dad’s decision to give y’all free will and all, but really? Why in Dad’s name would you abuse that privilege by naming your spawn Kumquat or Snuggle Bunny Stardust or whatever magnetic poetry combos these crackpot celebrities are choosing these days? Whatever happened to nice, wholesome names like Ruth and Methuselah? Even that adorable Shannyn Sossamon I love so much called her son Audio Science! That kid is damn lucky he’s growing up rich and famous or he would be condemned to a life of D&D celibacy.

(And while we’re on the subject, don’t think I didn’t notice you named your kid Pilot, Jason Lee. I don’t care how you spell it, it’s not a good move. I’ve really got nothing against you otherwise. You were great in “Mallrats” and that “Yacht Rock” cameo really cracked my shit up. Pops was pissed you folks picked Alanis to play him in “Dogma”– he really hates when people misuse words like “ironic”– but I actually thought it was a pretty funny flick. Just don’t go naming your next kid Judas or anything and we’ll be cool.)

So anyway, Kristin, I’m sure these famous people have their reasons for branding their offspring with hipster band names like Moxie CrimeFighter. Reasons like booze, stupidity and Attention Whore Disorder. But in all fairness, a few of them might actually do it to keep their privileged and unfairly attractive children from getting too cocky. You know, like when the hot-shot quarterback has a slight lisp or Miss Teen Pretty Pretty Princess can’t find the United States on a map. It evens the playing field ever so slightly, so that the Joe Sixpacks on Main Street can have a fighting chance.

And on the bright side, maybe it’ll keep the line moving up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter, bless his heart, is a great guy, but he’s been doing this a long time, and he’s not as sharp with the names as he used to be. One little identity mix-up could bump you from having a jam session with Jim Morrison to shoveling cow patties with Jerry Falwell. There are a ton of Brian Wilsons out there, but how many Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappas do you think are on that list, hmm? Having a name like a vegan pastry might actually come in handy… you know, in the afterlife.

Dear 6lb 8oz baby jesus,

What do you think about Ugg Boots? I think their horrid, and give me the hebegeebees. I live in San Diego, CA and I just don’t get how people can survive our blistering summers while wearing these sheep fur boots. It truly perplexes me. Please let me know what you think, and what can be done? I would feel horrid burning them at the steak if you didn’t agree so yeah!
Your humble servent

-Garrett
San Diego

My humble servant,

First of all, Garrett, I like the sound of that “humble servant” business. Too many people these days forget that I deserve some freaking service now and then. They come to me, seeking my infinite wisdom on subjects such as encroaching evil, global warming and Britney Spears’ latest meltdown. Sometimes I feel like the humble servant, which is all well and good until I can’t find the remote control.

Onto your question, Garrett. Throughout history, Dad’s children have survived far worse things than wearing fuzzy footwear in the middle of summer. I’m talking war, Garrett. Hunger. Persecution. “High School Musical.”

After Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden, I’ll bet they would’ve killed for some Ugg boots. Not that they weren’t in enough trouble as it was. It’s just that the desert sand gets hot, Garrett. Very, very hot.

To tell you the truth, I could do something about the Ugg situation in California. I could send an army of sword-wielding angels to strike down all who dare leave the house in those atrocious excuses for summer footwear. But all that’s a little Old Testament for me, Garrett. If I’ve learned anything in my 2,000 years in Heaven, it’s that I don’t need to smite Dad’s “special” children. Don’t you see? They are burning themselves at the stake. It’s called natural selection, Garrett, and it’d be best if you took a cue from Me. Sit back, relax and wait for the real show to start.

P.S. Not to nitpick, Garrett, but Dad made dictionaries for a reason. “Their” really useful. I know if I were writing the Son of God, I’d at least run the spell check.

Dear Baby Jesus,

Why is there so much evil in the world?

-Sad in Sacramento

My Child,

OK, won’t lie to you Sad-Sac, back in the day I was a bit of a humanist. I believed selflessness was the path to Godly love and that sacrifice and humility were divine. I said some things that, honestly, may have just been the wine talking. But the gist of my message was simple. God = Love. Love one another and it will lead you along the righteous path. Then you bitches turned on Me, and fucked Me up big time.

Truth is though, there’s so much suffering in the world because you jackholes create it. Seriously, Dad gives you the ability to reason and what do you do? You reason up the best way to build a nuclear farkin’ bomb! (Side note: It’s nuclear. New-clee-ur. Nuclear! Not new-cu-lur! Nuclear! Say it with me, New-Clee-Ur. Say it wrong one more time and, so help Me Dad, you are going to skip purgatory and head straight to speech therapy. Boom, that just happened!)

He’s given you the ability to communicate, to connect with one another. And what do you do? You popularize music that glorifies violence and hate. You spread gossip about one another. You legitimize Nickelback, you morons.

He gives you technology and you turn the Internet into a repository where any jackass can preach hate and fear (i.e. www.rapturealert.com … FYI, soooo NOT what I’m about.)

See what I’m getting at here? Pops and I have given you the ability to reason. Use it. If you want a better world, stop asking why I let it happen and go out there and make it better!

You can start by boycotting “The Hills” … it’s the Devil’s work.