Dear Baby Jesus,

Why does your mom’s face keep appearing on random crap, like grilled cheese sandwiches?

Sincerely,
Caroline

My child,

Why does your mom keep appearing at my bedroom window every night?! (Sorry, the Baby Jesus can never resist a good “your mom” joke.)

To answer your question, people these days unfortunately spend a lot of time around “random crap like grilled cheese sandwiches.” Two-thirds of you are overweight and one-third morbidly obese. Have you ever tried standing on a cloud? It can’t support all that weight! I like to stay trim by walking around the desert all the time. As you can imagine, my calves are cut.

My Mom’s a busy lady, and like any mother likes to drop by when you least expect it. So yes, you can keep looking toward the sky, or notice when humanity mentions a selfless act or two, but She’s been there, done that. This helps keep you more on your toes, too. Think you’re just cutting a lemon? Boom! Virgin Mary. Frying up a burger? Our Lady of Guadalupe, in yo house! One very popular option is to put your Divine Revelation up on eBay. Let’s remember to tithe though, yes?

P.S. The Baby Jesus enjoys salsa as a secret ingredient to My grilled cheese sandwiches. Just remember to eat around any apparitions you might find.