OK Baby Jesus,
Team Heidi or Team LC?
-Speculating in San Francisco

Dear Speculating,

In my Biography, there are numerous tales of rabbis trying to trip Me up by asking paradoxical questions and baiting me to take a side. The terms ‘Team Heidi’ and ‘Team LC’ may seem nonsensical to those with souls. Unfortunately, omniscience isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. While it does give me some comfort at times. (Barack wins, and no, he’s not the Antichrist), I am cursed with the knowledge that you are in fact referring to MTV’s “reality” show The Hills.

Now, The Hills doesn’t exactly bring up the best memories for me. You may remember that I was in fact crucified on a hill, and carrying a cross up a hill is no fun. It doesn’t take omniscience to know that Team Heidi, along with Spencer (who IS the Antichrist) manufactured rumors of LC’s sex tape, and that Team Heidi ruthlessly maneuvered past her friend to get that promotion in that one episode. Back in My day, I’d have to prevent a stoning when that happens, but for MTV it just equals higher ratings. Sigh. What will take a miracle is to get Audrina to see that Justin Bobby is so bad for her.

Although Team LC still has a lot of growing up to do, her heart’s in the right place. Until Heidi comes around and asks forgiveness from Lauren, The Baby JC is on Team LC.