Dear six pounds three ounce, in your swaddling clothes, baby Jesus, Can we talk about this “Virgin” Pregnancy bit? Is it really such a miracle? If so, then is Bristol Palin’s baby the second coming of Christ? Kellie My Child, There you go again, pointing backward. I understand that my mom’s virgin pregnancy can be […]

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Sweet baby Jesus, Should I have Domino’s, KFC or the always delicious Taco Bell for dinner? Once again, you have given the world too many choices… -Amy My child, You are right about one thing. There are many choices in life. Boxers or briefs. Tila Tequila or New York. Paper or plastic (or better yet, […]

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Dear Tiny Jesus, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin recently made the statement that it is God’s will to build an oil pipeline in Alaska.  Does she frequently speak to your Father?  If so, what other things has he told her to do? Sincerely, Marrack Schmobama My Child, What you’ve done with your name is clever, […]

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What would the baby jesus do to offset his carbon footprint? Margaret My child, Let me first answer your question with things I wouldn’t do. I would not drive a Hummer. Ever. Just because you put a metal Me Fish on the back doesn’t make it okay, either. I would also not drive a pickup […]

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Dear Baby Jesus, Aren’t you worried this may come off as sacrilegious? -Righteous in Richmond Well, Righteous. I suppose what some may call sacrilege, others call harmless fun. What some may call heresy, others call a sense of humor. What some call evil, others call Dick Cheney. Look, I fully admit, were I not the […]

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O Sweet Baby Jesus, You never grew up.  Why must I? Yours, Befuddled Back East My Child, Oh, Befuddled. You ARE confused. Did you ever read past My miraculous birth and youth in the Gospels? Because, if you had, you would know that I did grow up. I grew up, preached my message of love […]

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Dear Baby Jesus, Why does your mom’s face keep appearing on random crap, like grilled cheese sandwiches? Sincerely, Caroline My child, Why does your mom keep appearing at my bedroom window every night?! (Sorry, the Baby Jesus can never resist a good “your mom” joke.) To answer your question, people these days unfortunately spend a […]

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Dear baby Jesus, Why do celebrities name their kids stupid shit like Pilot Inspektor and Zuma Nesta Rock? xoxo, Kristin Dear Kristin, Oh, I know. Believe me… I know. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support Dad’s decision to give y’all free will and all, but really? Why in Dad’s name would you abuse that […]

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Dear 6lb 8oz baby jesus, What do you think about Ugg Boots? I think their horrid, and give me the hebegeebees. I live in San Diego, CA and I just don’t get how people can survive our blistering summers while wearing these sheep fur boots. It truly perplexes me. Please let me know what you […]

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Dear Baby Jesus, Why is there so much evil in the world? -Sad in Sacramento My Child, OK, won’t lie to you Sad-Sac, back in the day I was a bit of a humanist. I believed selflessness was the path to Godly love and that sacrifice and humility were divine. I said some things that, […]

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