Dear Tiny Jesus,

Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin recently made the statement that it is God’s will to build an oil pipeline in Alaska.  Does she frequently speak to your Father?  If so, what other things has he told her to do?

Sincerely,
Marrack Schmobama

My Child,

What you’ve done with your name is clever, Mr. Schmobama. Who taught you such a wily means of disguise? The Secret Service, perhaps? Don’t worry, My Child. I won’t blow your cover.

Onto your question. Yes, Sarah Palin does frequently call out to Dad. So do lots of other people. World leaders, megachurch CEOs and that lunatic standing on your street corner with a pie pan on his head (oh, you know the one I’m talking about). Dad gets an earful every day. The problem is that He doesn’t really have time to issue responses to the less pressing queries. (I’m lookin’ at you, Katie Holmes. You got yourself into this mess and you’ll get yourself out.) In their desperation to avoid the responsibility of making a decision, people often imagine that Dad has told them what to do.

Dad doesn’t really get too upset about this. Because direct communication with God faded from popularity in the late 14th century, this tactic usually comes back to bite the liar in the ass. If Dad were to issue advice to His follower, you can be damn sure He would tell him or her how to relay the information in a believable fashion. Hint: “God told me to build an oil pipeline” ain’t it.

As far as I know, Dad has only told Sarah Palin to do one thing. I let you guess what that bit of guidance was (go ahead and rule out any actions that sparked a major ethics investigation). However, like most unsolicited advice, it fell on deaf ears.

I suppose the moral of this story is don’t believe anything Sarah Palin says about Dad, unless she’s discussing losing the election. In which case, she listened better than We thought.