Dear six pounds three ounce, in your swaddling clothes, baby Jesus,

Can we talk about this “Virgin” Pregnancy bit? Is it really such a miracle? If so, then is Bristol Palin’s baby the second coming of Christ?

Kellie

My Child,

There you go again, pointing backward. I understand that my mom’s virgin pregnancy can be confusing, but attempting to apply it to modern times is not the answer.

To address the first part of your question….Really? Did you REALLY just ask if My conception and birth was a miracle? Of course a virgin pregnancy is a miracle! Do you think that legitimate virgin births happen every day? Don’t be led astray by women in denial; there has been only one virgin pregnancy in history and you’re talking to the result.

There’s a difference between a teenage girl chosen by Dad to carry His son and a teenage girl chosen by a testosterone-driven ice hockey player to test drive his abstinence-only sex education. I assure you that Bristol Palin’s baby is NOT My second coming. That kid is in no way related to Me, not even halvsies. Can you imagine what My birthday would be like with that family crashing the party?

I’m not really sure what even led you to ask this inflammatory question, “Kellie.” Perhaps it was simply a weak attempt to make the Baby Jesus cry, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been asked this question every single day for the past two months. Did you think you could conceal your true identity from the Son of God?

Look, Sarah, you can ask all you want but that won’t change the fact that you are NOT the grandmother of God. Not now. Not ever. No amount of badgering will change that. I suggest you go home and break the news to Trig that he’s going to have a little brother or sister.

See? Two can play this game.