Dear baby Jesus,

Why do celebrities name their kids stupid shit like Pilot Inspektor and Zuma Nesta Rock?

xoxo,
Kristin

Dear Kristin,

Oh, I know. Believe me… I know. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support Dad’s decision to give y’all free will and all, but really? Why in Dad’s name would you abuse that privilege by naming your spawn Kumquat or Snuggle Bunny Stardust or whatever magnetic poetry combos these crackpot celebrities are choosing these days? Whatever happened to nice, wholesome names like Ruth and Methuselah? Even that adorable Shannyn Sossamon I love so much called her son Audio Science! That kid is damn lucky he’s growing up rich and famous or he would be condemned to a life of D&D celibacy.

(And while we’re on the subject, don’t think I didn’t notice you named your kid Pilot, Jason Lee. I don’t care how you spell it, it’s not a good move. I’ve really got nothing against you otherwise. You were great in “Mallrats” and that “Yacht Rock” cameo really cracked my shit up. Pops was pissed you folks picked Alanis to play him in “Dogma”– he really hates when people misuse words like “ironic”– but I actually thought it was a pretty funny flick. Just don’t go naming your next kid Judas or anything and we’ll be cool.)

So anyway, Kristin, I’m sure these famous people have their reasons for branding their offspring with hipster band names like Moxie CrimeFighter. Reasons like booze, stupidity and Attention Whore Disorder. But in all fairness, a few of them might actually do it to keep their privileged and unfairly attractive children from getting too cocky. You know, like when the hot-shot quarterback has a slight lisp or Miss Teen Pretty Pretty Princess can’t find the United States on a map. It evens the playing field ever so slightly, so that the Joe Sixpacks on Main Street can have a fighting chance.

And on the bright side, maybe it’ll keep the line moving up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter, bless his heart, is a great guy, but he’s been doing this a long time, and he’s not as sharp with the names as he used to be. One little identity mix-up could bump you from having a jam session with Jim Morrison to shoveling cow patties with Jerry Falwell. There are a ton of Brian Wilsons out there, but how many Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappas do you think are on that list, hmm? Having a name like a vegan pastry might actually come in handy… you know, in the afterlife.