Dear Baby Jesus,

I am having thoughts about hurling pumpkins at the McCain/Palin sign on my neighbor’s lawn, is that bad? Just wondering!

Love ya,
Mom from a small town, who can not relate to pit bulls in lipstick!

Dear Mom from a small town,

It’s been said that if you have thoughts in your heart about committing a misdeed, it’s as if you’ve already committed the misdeed. Since you’re already getting credit for the sin anyway, you might as well go ahead and let that pumpkin fly.

The worst thing about what you’re proposing is that you’re not going far enough. Why throw a pumpkin when you can throw a jack-o-lantern? The flames raining down upon your neighbor’s sign will really let him know where you stand. Dad often appears as a pillar of fire, so I don’t think He’ll mind too much. However, for something that’ll really leave an impression, try hurling some fish onto the sign. Hey, I even made some extra.

In regards to the pit bulls in lipstick business, I laid out some instructions that were cut from the final version of My Biography because the authors thought no one would be ridiculous enough to try it:

“Listen to me now, if a man maketh up a beast, that beast shall be an abomination among you.”

Yeah. Go ahead and let it fly. You’ll get a free pass on this one.