Dear Baby Jesus,

Why is there so much evil in the world?

-Sad in Sacramento

My Child,

OK, won’t lie to you Sad-Sac, back in the day I was a bit of a humanist. I believed selflessness was the path to Godly love and that sacrifice and humility were divine. I said some things that, honestly, may have just been the wine talking. But the gist of my message was simple. God = Love. Love one another and it will lead you along the righteous path. Then you bitches turned on Me, and fucked Me up big time.

Truth is though, there’s so much suffering in the world because you jackholes create it. Seriously, Dad gives you the ability to reason and what do you do? You reason up the best way to build a nuclear farkin’ bomb! (Side note: It’s nuclear. New-clee-ur. Nuclear! Not new-cu-lur! Nuclear! Say it with me, New-Clee-Ur. Say it wrong one more time and, so help Me Dad, you are going to skip purgatory and head straight to speech therapy. Boom, that just happened!)

He’s given you the ability to communicate, to connect with one another. And what do you do? You popularize music that glorifies violence and hate. You spread gossip about one another. You legitimize Nickelback, you morons.

He gives you technology and you turn the Internet into a repository where any jackass can preach hate and fear (i.e. www.rapturealert.com … FYI, soooo NOT what I’m about.)

See what I’m getting at here? Pops and I have given you the ability to reason. Use it. If you want a better world, stop asking why I let it happen and go out there and make it better!

You can start by boycotting “The Hills” … it’s the Devil’s work.