Dear 6lb 8oz baby jesus,

What do you think about Ugg Boots? I think their horrid, and give me the hebegeebees. I live in San Diego, CA and I just don’t get how people can survive our blistering summers while wearing these sheep fur boots. It truly perplexes me. Please let me know what you think, and what can be done? I would feel horrid burning them at the steak if you didn’t agree so yeah!
Your humble servent

-Garrett
San Diego

My humble servant,

First of all, Garrett, I like the sound of that “humble servant” business. Too many people these days forget that I deserve some freaking service now and then. They come to me, seeking my infinite wisdom on subjects such as encroaching evil, global warming and Britney Spears’ latest meltdown. Sometimes I feel like the humble servant, which is all well and good until I can’t find the remote control.

Onto your question, Garrett. Throughout history, Dad’s children have survived far worse things than wearing fuzzy footwear in the middle of summer. I’m talking war, Garrett. Hunger. Persecution. “High School Musical.”

After Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden, I’ll bet they would’ve killed for some Ugg boots. Not that they weren’t in enough trouble as it was. It’s just that the desert sand gets hot, Garrett. Very, very hot.

To tell you the truth, I could do something about the Ugg situation in California. I could send an army of sword-wielding angels to strike down all who dare leave the house in those atrocious excuses for summer footwear. But all that’s a little Old Testament for me, Garrett. If I’ve learned anything in my 2,000 years in Heaven, it’s that I don’t need to smite Dad’s “special” children. Don’t you see? They are burning themselves at the stake. It’s called natural selection, Garrett, and it’d be best if you took a cue from Me. Sit back, relax and wait for the real show to start.

P.S. Not to nitpick, Garrett, but Dad made dictionaries for a reason. “Their” really useful. I know if I were writing the Son of God, I’d at least run the spell check.